I’m still pursuing my leads in the entertainment industry and all I can do is continue to apply and send out my information in hopes that I’ll eventually get an audition.

Entertaining has always been my passion, and I used to think in the past that I would never be able to pursue it.

It’s interesting because growing up I never thought I could do whatever I wanted. I just assumed because I was wearing a headscarf no one would even give me a chance.

So far, I’ve been happy to see some progress. I was accepted to two different talent agencies in Chicago, and that is something I never thought would ever happen. I’ve had a few acting gigs but nothing major. However, I was paid, so it really felt nice to be recognized as a professional.

Every now and then I waver a bit. I succumb to those voice of doubt in my head. But then I shake those negative thoughts off and continue to go forward. People say you really have to work hard and dedicate your time 24/7 to marketing yourself. In the past I didn’t believe enough in myself, but now I know I can do things and I believe it.

It’s funny because I was watching American Idol the other night and Simon was telling the contestant, “You have a good voice, stop thinking you’re not as good as everybody else.” And that message truly hit home. For years I would try to find people to sing with me because I was too scared to sing alone in front of a crowd. I also never had confidence in my singing abilities even though I know I can sing. For some reason as soon as I get in front of an audience it’s like my throat closes up and I sound like a screeching cat or something.

Part of my goals in breaking out of that shell and showing my true self, is to start posting some videos of my performances. I think I’ll do some monologues and some acapella songs and just take it from there.

Maybe through this exploration I can improve upon my skills and get used to letting other people see another side of me.

I used to love watching the Sunday night feature on TV at my grandparents and it was always a Disney movie that the whole family could enjoy.

We didn’t have a TV at home but we’d catch the shows here and there, and I reveled in it. I wanted to be one of those characters and act and sing and dance, it looked like so much fun!

The funny thing is as I grew up I always thought in the back of my mind that one day I would visit Disney World, and eventually it did happen.

My husband and I went to Orlando, Florida for our Honeymoon and pretty much return every year. We haven’t made it out there this year yet, but hopefully if things work out and we get situated with our jobs and perhaps a move to a new place, we’ll go.

I think what I love about Disney World and the whole brand in general is its focus on happiness and positivity. I love the idea of going on vacation and being immersed in an environment where people are smiling and nice and want to make sure you are having a wonderful stay.

That’s what I call customer service!

Visiting the big city was very intimidating. I would see homeless people all over asking for money and I didn’t know what to do. I had heard of scam artists before, but this wasn’t my city, I had no idea who was real and who was just too lazy to get a job.

Flash forward to the present.

Living in downtown Chicago has been quite an experience. What used to seem like a scary and overwhelming city is quite the opposite!

Now that I know the area like the back of my hand, I can tell you for certain who the scam artists are.

Right outside our building there are the regular 2 or 3 guys that ask for change or try to sell you a free newsletter (if you are a tourist you wouldn’t know any better).

One time I was heading out to work at 4:30 am to do the morning drive on the radio. It was still really dark outside, and the streets were empty. I asked the doorman if he could please turn on the cab light. It’s like a police light but it hangs upside down from the front awning and signals to the taxi driver that someone wants to be picked up.

I waited what seemed like forever and then I see headlights a few blocks away. I’m praying it’s a taxi so I can make it to work on time. All of a sudden two guys pop out of the 7-Eleven that’s attached to the high-rise I live in. They see me waiting, they see the cab that I had just spotted, and then they are in the street waving and trying to flag it down.

One of the guys tries to open the door for me while the other one starts to talk on his cell phone.

The guy who opens the door, “Spare any change?”

I look at him and smile politely, “Sorry I don’t carry cash.”

Which is the honest truth. I rarely have cash on me, not even a penny. I like to travel light and rarely carry a purse (as I write this I realize I don’t even own one anymore).

I’m not sure if these guys were actually homeless, it seemed like they were just trying to make some money.

But let me tell you, if you ever go to Union Station you can be sure to get scammed.

These guys come out of the woodwork trying to open your cab door, or “find you a cab” when the taxis  are right there lined up. And if you ignore them and don’t offer them money, you can be sure to hear them shout profanities. Usually they don’t approach me because I do my best not to look around as if I’m lost or confused. That’s seems to be what tips them off that you’re a newbie and they can pull one over you. I’ve witnessed many a tourist pull out a map and not know what’s going on, that’s when they’ll pounce on you like fresh meat.

One late night as my husband and I were returning on Amtrak after visiting my parents in Central Illinois, we got out to look for a cab. That evening, because of delays, the train arrived really late to Union Station. We got out and walked around looking for a cab but the few there were taken. Then this guy comes out of nowhere (don’t they always?) and approaches my husband.

In Arabic I’m telling my husband, “Don’t talk to him!” Because I sensed he was going to ask for money or something.

My husband asks him, “You have a cab? Where is it?”

The guy is trying to talk fast, “I’m a veteran, see here is my ID,  I’m parked down there.”

Again I repeat in Arabic, “Don’t talk to him!”

Well it’s almost 1am and we’re tired and my husband seems especially so.

I’m about 8 months pregnant and carrying my 2 year old, and my husband has our luggage and our daughter’s carseat as we traipse along a few blocks down following the random guy.

My husband: “Where is your car?”

Random Guy: “It’s just down there.”

My Husband: “Is it a taxi?”

Random Guy: “I’m a veteran, look I’ll show you my ID.”

OK with the ID already!

We get to his “cab” and it’s a white car with tinted windows. There was something creepy about it.

My husband turns to him, “Look I respect what you’ve done for this country, but I’m sorry we can’t get in the car with you.”

These are just a few things that happen, there are MANY more experiences so I’ll write some more later. I don’t want to overwhelm you and I have to save some stuff for future posts right?

“My button, I lost my button.”

She says she had no idea what I was talking about and dropped me off at her friends house so I could stay there while she took care of my brother’s emergency. I think he had hurt himself at the playground (yet again) and had to get stitches. This was back in the day when kids actually played outside.

In the meantime, here I am playing with the neighbor kids (I think I was about 3 or 4 years old at the time) and I sneeze into my hand.

Lo and behold out pops the button!

I was so excited that I ran up to my mom’s friend and held out my hand, “I found my button!”

Not sure what the lady did with it, but that wasn’t the last she would see of my antics.

Another time this same lady was watching me and my siblings when her kids brought me a bottle of liquid Panadol. It was a big bottle probably the size of the liquid Nyquil you’d see today. I remember them telling me to drink it, and of course being the deprived child (we weren’t allowed to have candy), I chugged that thing down.

My mom happened to come by at that moment and I remember walking down the stairs to greet her with the empty bottle and red mustache.

Of course she flipped out and next thing I know she had given me medication that made me vomit continuously.

Moral of the story: don’t deprive your children of candy, they’ll try to find other ways to get that sugary taste!

Perhaps that’s why I’m such an addict now.

I’m completely obsessed with candy and sweets in general. I could literally live off of desert and never eat real food. But of course that’s not healthy and I do want to live to see my kids grow up.

Sometimes I get worried that I’ll have diabetes because of the amount of sugar I eat. My husband told me the other day that he recorded an episode of Dr. Oz for me because the topic was how sugar is an addiction.

I told him I already figured that out.

I’ve gone cold turkey with no sweets for two weeks straight, and then I never craved a single piece of chocolate after that.

But, being the social eater that I am, once I get together with friends it’s hard not to munch on something that everyone else is. They make food look so good!

I’m trying to make a resolution here to stop eating sweets and just get back to nature. Eat more raw fruits and veggies and get back on track.

There is truth to the fact that fresh fruits and vegetables will boost your energy.. I’ve been there, done that.  I’ve just fallen off the wagon again. For some reason this last month of pregnancy has made me feel entitled to every single whim. I’ve eaten junk food that I never would have considered before because I keep telling myself once the pregnancy is over I wont have any more excuses so I better get it all now while I still can!

At least I worked out through this entire pregnancy, that much I can say to make myself feel better about my binging. But I hope that I can do better not only for myself, but to be an example for my family.

I don’t want my kids growing up feeling deprived, but I also want them to know how to balance the sweet and the salty.

Maybe it sounds crazy cause people will tell me, “You can make yourself happy or depressed.” But honestly it’s not that simple. My mother claims I feel like this because of our Swedish side. “It’s called the black mood.” And then my neighbor tells me I should get a special light for people who have S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder).

I can be happy when it’s gloomy outside but I’m just not myself. As soon as the sunshine comes out I’m excited and energetic and ready to take on the day!

That’s probably why I’m so obsessed with Florida. We go there on vacation every year and I’m so relaxed. My husband says it’s because vacation is a carefree and relaxing time, but I know it’s because of the weather.

I love it when it’s hot and humid outside, there is nothing that feels better. Unfortunately living in Chicago a few blocks from the lake means lots of cold and windy days.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Chicago too. The winter is freezing but, as long as I stroll down Michigan ave. enjoying the street musicians playing Christmas songs and the hustle and bustle of shoppers and the smells of baked goods and nutmeg, I feel OK. It’s just that in-between weather that truly dissappoints.

It’s not fall and it’s not winter. It is cold and damp and people are grumpy. So grumpy they will drive really fast and turn the corner into a puddle and splash all the people waiting at the bust stop.

Luckily I’ve avoided getting soaked this year.

I just booked our tickets on the Megabus for tomorrow and It’s going to be a new adventure.

If we don’t drive we usually take Amtrak, but lately the train situation has become unbearable.

Because the passenger trains in Illinois share the same track as the freight trains, we are often stuck sitting on the tracks while we wait for the freight to go by. A trip that normally take 2.5 hours turns into a 4 hour ordeal. And what’s worse is the kind of folks who are on the train with you make you want to pull your hair out. And in my case I’d have to rip my scarf off first and then pull my hair out.

Last time we took Amtrak someone was watching a DVD without headphones so we all had to hear the violent shoot-em up movie the entire ride. Then there were the 2 kids that were so obnoxious my own daughter couldn’t fall asleep. One was a little girl who was probably about a year old and she was crying so hard she started to almost go into convulsions. I was so stressed out. I mean what do you do? Ask the parent if you can help or ignore it or call child services?

The other kid was a little boy about the same age as the screaming girl and he was standing on his seat about to tumble over the side while his mom sat there texting and then later I noticed she decided to go to sleep. This kid was whimpering the entire ride and trying to get his mom to notice him.  It was so depressing to see.

I vowed I would never ride Amtrak again.

So, here we are now, about to embark on a new form of transportation that has only received glowing reviews from friends. It’s cheaper than Amtrak and it gets to where it’s going without delays. I hope it lives up to its hype of  “air conditioned, clean, free wi-fi, free snacks and a bathroom on board.”

My only fear is that if it’s this good, it will soon enough be taken over by the train folks!

Maybe it’s because it’s far from Chicago (about three hours) and there are tons of corn fields and farms, not to mention the occasional woods here and there.

Well, I’m currently here helping my parents renovate one of their bathrooms and it looks like it’s going to be awhile.

My husband is really the one doing everything while everyone else (myself included) tries to tell him what he’s doing right and what’s wrong.

Poor guy has really put up with a lot. Not to mention it’s Ramadan and he’s doing all this labor intensive stuff while fasting.

I really hope he gets some brownie points with God!

In any case, this ambitious project is taking a lot longer than we expected. I think it’s mostly because of the constant debating that goes on regarding things like what we should install for the floor, what kind of sink we need, where the light fixtures are going to go, etc. If we spent more time actually doing work and less time talking we’d probably be done by now.

However, at the end of the day it’s all in good fun. It’s great to be around family again because living in isolation in the city can get cumbersome.

I’m just crossing my fingers that we get back to town and out of the boonies. There is nothing to do here besides eat, sleep, eat some more, sleep, drive around, or hang out at Super Walmart. It makes me appreciate the city that much more.

Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out at Walmart and finding deals, but I just want to sleep in my own bed, wake up and take a nice walk along the lake while the weather is still bearable.

Hopefully this means another year of discovering the world and all it has to offer.

Usually people seem to get all bummed out about getting old, and I feel that way at times. But then I think to myself,

“Self, you’ve got to just move on and enjoy life because it’s too short!”

So, this year I’m hoping to do more than just sit and think about what it is that I want to accomplish. I want to actually get out there and reach for things that I dream about.

I’m such a procrastinator and then I try to compensate by doing all the things I should have done in a very short amount of time. That is the way you get burned out!

So, here is to a new year, and a new outlook.

“I have some sad news, your grandmother passed away last night”.

I was speechless and all I remember saying was, “Are you serious?”

I then cried for literally 2 seconds and quickly stopped myself because my daughter was looking up at me with a frightened expression.

And that was it. No major tears. Nothing.

I think part of it is because the last time I saw my grandmother was four years ago at my wedding. She had come all the way from Beirut, Lebanon for the occassion. I didn’t keep in touch as much as I should have.

When I was younger and we went a few times to Lebanon for the summer, I remember how I would cry my eyes out when our vacation was over. Once we got back home I’d still cry for days and look at her picture and miss her so much. Maybe I just cried all my tears back then and didn’t realize it.

What I feel sad about mostly though is my dad. Seeing him sad makes me sad. I know he wishes he could have been there with her.

My grandmother was suffering from various ailments, and I hope that now she can finally rest in peace.

I love you Tayta and I’ll miss you.